one of those
tonight i was just one of those nights where things felt good, right, full of love and contentment. in the midst of a life that is far from perfect, tonight was one of that couldn't have fell more into place - i couldn't have written it myself, you know?
jaci and i went to dinner in my favorite part of town - east village. but on the way, we got caught in the rain without an umbrella. and yet the chill of the rain was more refreshing than menacing. from dinner to desert - we were in michael schools' neighborhood and met up with him for an ice cream cone. i had watermelon sorbet, delicious! michael walked jaci and i to the train, which was such a gentleman thing to do - and walking conversation here in nyc can be so tasty, full of laughs and random stories of life. i am in love with the people in my life, i'm telling you.
since it was monday night, the chelsea group from origins (the church that i've been getting familiar with) was meeting at the spark center, this awesome room in the back of a senegalese restaurant on 22nd st. there were quite a few people there tonight, but our party of 30 was split into groups of 4-6 just to keep conversation intimate. there was small talk, of course, but some of our conversation really got into the nitty gritty of what we've been going through these days - emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. i sat in a group of three amazing ladies - faith, cinelle and kristen. truly it was what the doctor ordered - it is really nice to find people who are living in the city, living out their faith, living to connect with others, educated and interesting, easy to converse with. and most importantly, it feels comforting to find people who are in the same boat as i am - most far from home and those they love. i truly believe we weren't meant to go about life alone and with no one to really be apart of the details, day in day out. i thank God that i am finding this type of fulfillment and contentment in this group of people.
and just when i thought the night was over, a group of guys (i really was the only girl who went) invited me to go uptown to times square and watch the new U2-3D movie that just came out. i hadn't even heard of it until tonight, but i absolutely love U2 and i have the next two days off... i mean, really, who wouldn't want to go to see U2 on the big screen with a bunch of rad, good-looking young men? (hehe) so we jammed uptown and got in just in time to put our 3D glasses on and be amazed by 90 minutes of bono, the edge, adam clayton and larry mullen jr. rockin' our socks off. tonight was the first time i met kyle, the initiator of this particular outing. i got to sit next him in the show, and we basically sang all of the songs in harmony. nerdy, i know, but such a good time!
i ended the night riding the F train with another new friend of mine, kevin. great story behind how he came to origins, and as we both dialogued, i knew that tonight was one of those nights - a night when all is well, i feel comfortable in my own skin and i feel so much gratitude and love from my Father in heaven. nothing about the night was extravagant or out of the ordinary, but tonight reminded me that even the simple pleasures of life are significant to every season of the soul. and this is definitely a good season to be alive!
sexual activity
i am really getting into sex god by rob bell. in commemoration of valentine's day, i thought it fitting for me, a young and single woman, to find something to read that has to do with relationships. i figure (and let's just be honest here) sex and God are like two of my favorite things, so why wouldn't i check this book out? and ok, i haven't actually participated in the act of sex, but according to the bible's definition of sexuality and rob bell's explination, i am one sexual being!
in the beginning of time, humankind was created to be freely connected to God and each other - no trying to impress people with our intellectual fervor or physical strength or outward trappings. the Genesis accounts tells the story of a time when nakedness was more than just bare bodies, it was a pure, intimate and deep connection. but from the time of the fall to the present, God has done everything in His power and authority to restore this connection with us. likewise, in each human being there is a longing to connect on a level that goes beyond physical attraction - everyone, no matter how hard they try and convince you otherwise, hates being lonely. being here in new york, so far from the people that i love the most, my greatest fear is that i would feel loneliness and sorrow. but i'll tell you, despite the moments where my humanity collides with my spirituality (the times when i feel the pain of loneliness or fear or frustration of not having full control of my life and its circumstances), i have felt so much love being poured over my life by the One who has designed it.
yesterday was valentine's day and i am sure that to the untrained eye, i seemed like a loser - i wandered in and out of random stores completely alone, singing and dancing with myself as i blasted some rockin' hymns on my ipod (for some reason i could not stop listening to the hymn "the solid rock"), waiting for my take-out dinner as lovers and friends dined together around me. but honest to goodness, i felt so far from feeling lonely. i felt secure in who i am - my faults and all! i felt joy because i have been spared of the heartache that comes from living life trying to acquire love and affection in my own futile strength. and i felt awestruck because i am learning that sexuality has more to do with the how naked, vulnerable and honest my relationships are with others, and it has less to do with how much sex you have. the real stuff is much harder than the casual sex or social dating that most people do as a means to get to relationship because it takes honesty and sacrifice and a whole lot of patience. it takes work and it takes me being honest with my ugliness, the imperfect and self-absorbant part of who i am. real relationship takes changing my ugliness, slowly but surely. but i wish nothing more than to find this kind of connection with those in my life now, and in hopes that one day i can find THE ONE relationship that could very well result in me leaving and cleaving, if you know what i mean! as the bible says, "the two will become one flesh..."
so in conclusion, i just want you to know that i don't care if you think that i am some sexually repressed prude that knows nothing of how human physiology should work. i don't need to have sex to know that it's good, cuz what i really want more than a physical experience is to have intimacy - some deep, intellectual, spiritual, emotional connection with God and men.
Currently reading :
Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality And Spirituality
By Rob Bell
Release date: By March, 2007
first snow
this last week has been my first week here in new york. it has already turned out to be difficult, as i caught a raunchy fever on friday and was down for two days - with the exception of me walking to the corner store to buy a toilet plunger (it wasn't me, i promise)! but in the midst of coughs and aches and sweats, i really have felt God's hand of kindness on me. of course, God doesn't give sickness because that is not in His nature to do so - being under-dressed or being out in the rain (or both) brings sickness, riding on the drafty subway soaking wet brings sickness, being with sick people brings sickness - but God doesn't give sickness NO MATTER WHAT!
ok, back to my point. friday night rolls around and i was about to lose it. jaci is down in new orleans till thursday partying it up at mardi gras, patrick was working and playing all day - so there i was in the apartment. alone. no one likes to be alone when they're that sick. really, it's one of the few times when i wanna just cry, "i want my mommy!" but of course, it doesn't work out that way, does it.
so God and i had a little chat. "what have i gotten myself into? do i really know what i'm doing? why am i here? did i make the wrong choice? should i go home now?" it was kind of a one-ended conversation at first, with me being a little delirious from the nyquill and emotion from being a girl. but in my ranting, all i asked for was one thing - that i would be able to sense Him close by me in that moment, for my own peace of mind. needless to say, He came and sat with me for a while and we watched larry king live interview snoop dogg.
i love how easy it is to live life with the confidence that i am loved by God and men, that i go through muddy waters sometimes yet still feel as if i am walking on solid foundations. because God isn't a liar like most people i know, when He says He'll never leave, He means it. when He says He loves us enough to discipline us, He means it. when He says that He is our Father and He loves to provide for us, He means it. it's hard to trust sometimes, but when i am in a place where i feel doubtful or blind to His Word, i just have to remember that He already did what He said He was. and He'll do it again over and over and over.
so now i'm gonna get ready for my first day as a starbucks assistant manager, and i am going to get all bundled up cuz guess what? IT'S SNOWING HERE! WOO HOO! the locals must think us californians are crazy for wanting it to snow. it really is beautiful.
archive ten: way major
to everyone that has, in some way, been present throughout this whole moving process, i just want to say thank you for being supportive, thank you for your time, your counsel and your love. as i was finishing up my packing tonight, i was feeling utterly grateful for you all - the amazing people who make me feel so loved and who, in turn, allow me to love them.
i am feeling a bit anxious about my departure, so if you talk to God, do me a favor and ask Him to gimme some peace, will ya? i could you all that i can get!
this is not the end of me living in california (i have a feeling i will be back), but this is the beginning of something new and fresh and exciting. change and growth are lying on the threshold of this season - it's gonna be a bit painful at times, i am sure. but i know that this move, this opportunity for progress, is going to be flippin' amazing! and i know that i won't have anything to worry about or regret.
again, i love each and every one of you. my friends, i apologize if i was not able to spend some time with you. i will be back to visit the first week in april, so leave some room in your lives for me, eh?
rock on, friends!
archive nine: pregnancy
december 30, 2007
i love going to the movies and leaving feeling happier and more giddy than when i walked in. tonight was no exception, i feel so full of joy right now!
who knew that teenage pregnancy could be so darn cute? after much anticipation, i finally had the chance to see the movie "juno". the movie was nothing close to irreverent; it had a great heart and i could easily watch it with my mother (it wasn't raunchy). the scenario surrounding juno is far from desirable, no matter how common unplanned pregnancy is these days. yet ellen page managed to portray a beautiful balance of selflessness and vulnerability, not to mention the extremely witty and intellegent banter found in juno's dialogue. i fell in love with the characters in this movie - michael cera's performance as "bleeker" was so cute, he reminded me why i am attracted to the dorky, musician types. and the music throughout this film was rad - featuring groups like sonic youth, the moldy peaches and the velvet underground/
all around wonderful movie! it easily landed on my top 5 movies of 2007 (along with "Lars and the Real Girl") - GO AND SEE JUNO, PEOPLE!
Currently playing :
Guitar Hero 2
Release date: 07 November, 2006
archive eight: glorious and meaningless
december 16, 2007
Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What advantage does man have
In all his work which he does under the sun?
All things are wearisome;
Man is not able to tell it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor is the ear filled with hearing.
That which has been is that which will be,
And that which has been done is that which will be done.
So there is nothing new under the sun.
I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun,
And behold, all is vanity and striving after wind.
What is crooked cannot be straightened
And what is lacking cannot be counted.
I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly;
I realized that this also is striving after the wind
Because in much wisdom there is much grief,
And increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.From the first chapter of King Solomon's book, Ecclesiastes
my will has been tested this week. it goes beyond the changes that are about to take place geographically and with work. everything is beautiful in the sense that i see God's hand operating in the very fibers of my life - giving me understanding about concerns in my mind, allowing me to feel indescribable and unexplainable peace in my heart, giving me energy and strength to live despite the mere 20 hours of sleep i have had all week. there is no room for regret or complaint with the way that my life has been thus far - i'm grateful.
and yet i cannot help but think that we fill our lives with things that are so meaningless - a chasing after the wind of sorts. work, eat, sleep, play, learn, party, drink, sleep, work, eat, play, myspace, eat, myspace some more - i feel stuck sometimes. like, my friends want to "hang out", go and do something fun, new, exciting. but i feel like it's just all the same - do the same things, go to the same places, stimulate the same endorphins, get the same temporary high. and then i stop getting calls to hang out...
i don't write these things to seek pity or to simply whine about how empty i sometimes feel. i am just saying that i feel that we all have been given this life for a greater purpose than to simply financially, socially, physically and emotionally SURVIVE. FORGET SIMPLY SURVIVING. i'm tired of worrying about money or what is going to happen to my future, or whether or not my life will be viewed as a success. damn success! i feel as though the person i want to be and the person that i am are at war with each other. i want to love without fear, i want to live my life completely abandoned and i want to give my time, energy and resources away freely. but i don't, cuz i'm selfish and lazy and tired. i am REALLY tired.
and so goes my existence. Lord, help me.
Currently reading :
unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity... and Why It Matters
By David Kinnaman
Release date: 01 October, 2007
archive seven: shalome - peace be with you
december 7, 2007
two days in a row - i should not have this much time off, i'll go in tomorrow morning with no motivation to work! actually, that's not true, since it's friday morning and i am working with the hottest crew around - anne, suzie and rachael. how splendid.
you ever have one of those days where everything just seemed so right? like there is no other place that you would rather be than in your life at that moment. the feeling is amazing, i'll tell ya, and this is how YESTERDAY felt to me. in the english language, we define it as "peace", but the hebrew language goes beyond that and defines this amazingly satisfying feeling as "shalome". the definition for "shalome" - "completeness, soundness, welfare, peace, health, prosperity, safety, quiet, tranquility, friendship (with human beings and with God)".
yesterday, i woke up to the cutest kids around, one of whom was all snuggled up against me. anne & jaci made breakfast, and everything tasted so good. in fact, EVERYTHING i ate yesterday tasted as if i hadn't eaten in days - hummos, tiropitas, mushroom pitas, fish tacos at p. wexford's. but believe it or not, food came secondary to the fact that i was with a couple of witty and humorous ladies all day.
no grandeur event or special occasion occured - it was just life being lived out to the fullest. from sleeping on a comfy couch to the fact that my parents thought jaci was rad (according to my mom, jaci seemed very "intelligent and sophisticated"), meeting jaci's new nephew, and how jaci introduced me to her friends as "my new assistant", and even the high heels that jaci was determined to wear all day (for no apparent reason at all) - every detail made me smile. you never know a person until you see them in their natural surroundings. with this in mind, i love spending time with anne at her home because this actually makes it easier for me to be a good worker under her - i've seen how she loves her kids, i've tasted how good her chocolate chip cookies are, we've watched the most random television shows i've ever seen. but i get to see her, who she is, how the fibers of who she is look like. and it is wonderful!
there are many people with whom i am connected with. and i am humbled to be able to live the life that i do - experiencing good and bad for my own good, tasting good food as well as good conversation, and having the privilege to see into the lives of amazing people. i feel God's favor so strongly in my life, i feel so grateful. so i've got no room to complain, cuz my life is good! if you don't think that life is good, you and i should have a little talk, my friend, cuz you are truly missing out.
Currently listening :
Our Endless Numbered Days
By Iron & Wine
Release date: 23 March, 2004
archive six: "deliver me" or "new york or bust"?
november 28, 2007
so i finally told anne that i may be moving away. if you don't know, anne is my manager at starbucks - she's also become a friend, a good one at that. when i broke the news to her, our eyes met. silence. "are you going to cry, anne?", i asked. "well not right now," she responded. i think she likes me alright.
december 29th will commemorate 2 years since i returned from perth, australia. 2 years - and what do i have to show for myself? the scary thing is that i never wanted to become a person that needs to feel validated for living. education, "x" amount of dollars a year, status and popularity - it all still seems futile.
and yet, i have to get out - i am itching for change, and i don't know what else to do and where to go...
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6 (NIV)
archive five: full of it
november 22, 2007
i hopped in the shower this morning, rushing to get ready for the day. my checklist of things-to-do was replaying through my mind - pack my toothbrush, clean out my car, call those i love and make sure they know i love them, put away my laundry. for a moment it slipped my mind, that thi was the day set apart to be thankful for whatever it is that you're thankful for. i began to talk to God.
as i began to go through all of the things that i am thankful for, it hit me just how amazing my life is. i've lived an amazing life already - if i died today, i would have NO ROOM to complain about anything. you know that i've had the privilege of meeting some of the most fascinating and ecclectic people you could ever imagine! i've visited a few cool places, i've loved a lot of people and i've been loved by even more. i've eaten A LOT of good food throughout my life and i've learned that the most amazing lessons are free. i've had my heart broken, i've felt guilt, shame, loneliness, hate, anger and disppair. and i've survived each one of them!
but i would be a fool to believe that it was all my doing. i've experienced the mercy of God - the mercy that refrains me from receiving the consequences i deserve. and more than anything, i'm constantly living in the grace of God - the grace that gives me more favor than i deserve. every experience, every encounter, every lesson learned, every good thing has come from a God that loves me and takes pleasure in giving good things to his kids. and i'm the biggest kid of all!
so don't forget your Father in heaven today - and make sure your gratitude is known!
Currently reading :
Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality And Spirituality
By Rob Bell
Release date: March, 2007
archive four: a tribute to california natives living new york dreams
november 14, 2007
i am home now. i am glad to be home - to poop in my own toilet, to sleep in my own bed, to hug my family, to drive my car. yet there is this feeling of void i can't seem to ignore. i had been in preparation and anticipation of this NYC vacation for months - it feels wonderful to have something to look foward to. but now it's done. and again, i am home now. business as usual, back to reality.
with all that said, i just have to brag on some phenomenal people. as i said, i was anticipating my vacation for months. but nothing could have prepared me for how much the actual experience superceded my expectations. and i can't owe this to any tourist landmark; the folks i met along the way really made the difference. i've said it before, i'm addicted to people. and the crew i kicked it with in NYC is no exception.
so there is this guy who kats like to call "
schools". but for some strange reason, i couldn't help but call him "michael". i guess i didn't realize just how much i missed michael schools until i spent time with him - he's so chill, so consistent in just how good he makes people feel just by hanging out with him. he's one of those guys you just have to be around. he's so ambitious, he could do whatever he wants to do with his life and he's so artistically brilliant without the drama that comes with artsy fartsy people. and i guess he's an alright dancer as well... but only maybe! (sike!)
and what about that little
ashley harris - the fireball. she is so flippin' spunky; she has this addicting, cheesy smile that suckers you right in. you can't help but laugh and feel at ease around her - her sense of humor is so attractive. ashley caught me off guard, really. i wasn't sure how we would get along, but i'd look at her and i'd want to just hug her cuz she's so damn bubbly and cute. she's crazy and she allowed me to be the same at times... ashley was just so genuinely loving. i can't stop smiling even as i write this, with my eyes closed picturing her in my mind!
then there was this gal in new york -
jaci randel. something else, i'll tell ya. she eats too fast, she isn't very patient, she walks really fast, she's quite particular about things, she works a lot, uses a lot of profanity and she doesn't eat meat! yet she is probably one of the most fascinating people i have ever met. a few times i would think to myself, "i think I HAVE (edited typo) jaci figured out." then she'd open herself up just a little bit more for me to discover yet another reason we get along. she's deep, really intelligent yet she did not make me feel inadequate like some "brains" do. you want to be around her - she's so sincere in her concern for others and genuinely giving. jaci is badass - she likes to stare fear in the face and live without regret. i love how she can't take compliments and will probably hate me for writing about her.
new york city itself is phenomenal! yet one can only visit tourist sites for so long. the people and the presence of life in the city is what causes me to rethink whether or not i want to stay in california. and schools, ashley and jaci are definitely some folks i could spend more time with. i cannot see how our paths have crossed on account of coincidence because it's encounters like this that shape who i am now and who i want to become. Until we meet again, friends!
"May the LORD watch between you and me when we are absent one from another." Genesis 31:49 (NKJV)
Currently reading :
On the Road
By Jack Kerouac
Release date: 28 December, 1976
archive three: a little addicted
october 30, 2007
... to
Roller Coaster Tycoon III. Please, somebody! Anybody! Buy me this game... I think my cousin, Jon, is over me taking over his computer to play it. What can I say? Once my creative juices start to flow, there is NO stopping me! I'm such an addict to stuff, it's not even funny. Like the times I was addicted to the books of Donald Miller, studying apologetics and spiritual gifts, eating ice cream (which I am STILL dealing with), skateboarding, playing drums, designing houses (I used to want to go into architecture and interior design), ska music, wearing tinted glasses even in dark rooms, the TV shows "Alias", "Trading Spaces", and "So You Think You Can Dance", the video games "Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2", "Tekken 2", "Need for Speed: Most Wanted", "Need for Speed: Underground" and "Spiderman 3". I like something and I go for it with everything in me. It has been to my benefit that I haven't caught on to anything harmful, cuz can you even imagine the kind of alchoholic I would be? NOT GOOD!
Currently playing :
Rollercoaster Tycoon 3
Release date: 26 October, 2004
archive two: nervous about new york
october 22, 2007
i am coming closer and closer to my vacation. the only way i could be more excited is if em harmon, katie, em hallas or LEONIE was going to be there. there is desperation in my heart to see one of my ywam perth friends simply because it has been too long since i have seen anyone. but that's an entirely different blog...
now, i'm completely stoked about my trip, but is it weird that i'm a little nervous as well? it is not like i have not traveled by myself before, that is not the deal. maybe it is because i haven't been alone in a while. and by this i mean REALLY alone - to make my own choices, to spend my time however i wish, to wander aimlessly and with no purpose or plan. many things have dictated how my life has been going for a while now, but i am a little afraid that i won't know what to do with myself - maybe i've lost myself a little bit in all of the shuffle of life. i hope not.
there are a few other things that i am a little nervous about:
-what if i don't like the hot dogs?
-what if i get mugged?
-what if i take the wrong subway and end up in washington, or even worse, maine?
-i am acquainted with JACI (the cool kat i'm staying with), but in reality i don't know her that well. so what if she doesn't enjoy my company or down-right gets annoyed with me? i can be an aquired taste, i think...
-what if i enjoy myself so much that i don't want to come home?
-or what if i come home and i feel even more unsatisfied with my life's current circumstances than before i left?
i am sure that i sound a bit whiny at the moment, but everything i am saying is the truth. i'm a little nervous. so remember me this week - and if you're talking to God, do me a favor and ask Him to give me a lil' extra peace, will ya? i appreciate it!
Currently reading :
unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity... and Why It Matters
By David Kinnaman
Release date: 01 October, 2007
archive one: big *SIGH*
october 7, 2007
man it's been a nice and crazy and peaceful and chaotic couple of weeks - basically, it's been a plethora of emotion. what can i say? it's life! i've found a lot of comfort in silence, though.
everyone should take some time, even just five minutes, out of their day and turn off the ipod, the cell phone, the computer, the PDA and even the list of things that you have to get done... you know, the list that is constantly going through your mind. i don't know about you, but i definitely have a list! anyways, yeah, shut yourself up and just sit. breathe. relax. think. listen to yourself think. it's interesting and frightening what you come up with. but's it's great! and i'm sure it's needed, too.
i'm beginning to think that i'm getting a little case of cabin fever. in a month i'm leaving stockton for about 12 days. for the first time in a long time i am taking a vacation on my own - this is something i also think every person should do at some point in their life. just go! get away from everyone and everything and just live and experience your life. i don't have much money, but i'm alright with that. if i gotta borrow a guitar and peddle for some change, i'm down! i just think it'll be good for me to see my world from the inside out again - it'll be a good time for reflecting on what God's next move is for me. cuz let's be honest, i have NO CLUE! scary.
this whole blog wasn't intended to be ultra inspiring like some of the other ones were... i didn't even think i'd actually begin to write it, since i've been a bit lacking in my writing diligence. so here it is, whatever it is - a little peek into what's going on with me this week!
and now my question is, what's going on with you? if you've made it this far through this blog, you should answer my question. it's the polite thing to do! seriously though, i feel as if i haven't connected with as many of my loved ones as i should be. then again, there are times when i feel too lazy to do anything about it. so i'm asking now - please, tell me how you've been!
i love you all - whoever you are, whoever reads these words. i love you and i wish nothing but the best for you, for today and the rest of your days! ROCK ON!
Currently listening :
Girls and Boys
By Ingrid Michaelson
Release date: 18 September, 2007
archive project
the first few "newer" posts are actually going to be old myspace blogs that i want to archive. unlike blogger, myspace deletes blog postings after a certain amount of them - and i don't know about you, but i like to keep track of what i'm writing about. so here goes!
