I want a king.
I lay in bed last night, waiting – for my missing roommate, for tiredness to overtake my mind and body, for some divine Being to somehow fill my hollow chest. “If only you could see the thoughts that I think toward you. If only you knew just how great the plans I’m writing for your life,” I heard the Lord say nonchalantly. “Thanks, but I think I would settle for a pair of arms to hold me as I lay here,” I said, half-jokingly. He did not laugh.My memory pulled out of its bank the story of Samuel, the prophet, and the children of Israel’s request for a king (I Samuel 8). “We want a king! We want to be like the other nations of the earth,” they cried to Samuel. Rightfully so, the appointed judges at the time were corrupt and unjust in their rule. Yet the justification of requesting a king does not outweigh the consequences of the decision. Samuel knew this very clearly, as we see he was greatly displeased at the children of Israel. If you look at I Samuel 8 v 7-9, the Lord responds:
“And the LORD said to Samuel, "Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. According to all the deeds that they have done, from the day I brought them up out of Egypt even to this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are also doing to you. Now then, obey their voice; only you shall solemnly warn them and show them the ways of the king who shall reign over them."
Samuel goes on to warn the people of a king and his desire for war, power, and wealth. He even warned them of a king’s right to access any resources found in his kingdom: the fields, their daughters, their sons. Even still, the people wanted their king. And I want a husband. Without any clue as to how much work and sacrifice that this entails, I have this idea in my mind of a day when I have someone in my life for life. Not just in word, but on paper; someone whose role is to protect and to affirm, to provide and to challenge, to know and love me deeply and fully.
All of my ideals aside, I know that the reality of one person fulfilling the deepest longings of my heart is unlikely. It would take a lifetime to fully discover a person’s intricacies, though I know some couples who have come pretty damn close. I don’t even know whether or not I’m “ready” to be married (as if anyone ever really is). I just wish that I didn’t feel so wrong for asking, as if I am the one of the children of Israel asking for a king.
It must’ve caused some sadness in God’s heart to hear His people reject Him in this way. At the same time, I wonder if He gave in to their request, knowing full well that, though it would be gut-wrenchingly difficult to watch, in the end, His people do come back, His kingdom does become established, and He does rule and reign over them and over us, through covenant and consummation. If only the thought of this would give me the peace enough to fall asleep and feel not so far away from it all.
