i am dead
"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" --Jesus Christfor as long as i can remember, i have been doing everything i know to do in order to find fulfillment. i know, i have been intertwined with the story of God for quite some time now. i am beyond familiar with Christian spirituality and the practices that accompany it. but like any other creature of feeling and emotion, i am effected by hunger and hurt and uncertainty and longing. i am not exempt to the effects of gravity and circumstance. and although the God of the Bible clearly states that life does not have to be ruled by these things, it is unnatural for me to live free from them without a conscious effort. it takes work and a constant reminder that i am not the creator of my own path. i can attempt to be, but it only leaves me wanting.
i walked down 34th st one night, on my way to meet my friend, noah. it is a walk i make virtually every day, and yet this time it seemed as though everything was so magnified. a girl with hot, leather boots on, a woman with a great purse draped over her shoulder, a guy on a green vespa, people in the window of starbucks, playing on their macbooks - each of these things seemed to grab my attention, each of these coincidentally is something that i covet. it seems that money and material things don't come so easily for me these days, and given my parents' financial situation, i feel guilty in spending my money on anything i could, in fact, live without. and monetary things are just the surface of what has been going on.
there is this obscure craving for the attention of people that has always plagued my relationships. i am sure that it is more common in others than anyone would care to admit. yet this fact does not make it any easier to live my life without trying to conjure up the security that comes from being known and still loved, doing so in my own strength and on my own terms. there were times when i did receive the praises of men, their words recognizing the talents and abilities that i possess. and i fed off of it like flies on shit. i did everything that i thought was right. yet the more i wanted to be noticed, the more forgotten i felt. i tried and do things to gain respect and love from others, but only find that i have a fist full of unmet expectations and broken promises.
in this process, i have been losing my own soul. i have gathered and gained as much as my tiny hands could hold, but in turn, have lost who i am meant to be. i have been settling for loves less wild and abandoned and freeing. and with this, i beg Jesus to take my lifeless corpse and breathe into it. He cannot do this miraculous work with anything but dead bodies surrendered into His hands.
