when i grow up
five years to thirty. five years to thirty. i have FIVE YEARS to THIRTY YEARS.
"sobering" is the first word that comes to mind as i ponder this thought. it has been a little over one week since i celebrated my 25th year of life. and what a life i have led thus far! i look upon the expanse that is my life, and i cannot help but smile. so much richness has happened, and SO many good stories of God's grace, His provision and the tangible ways He has directed my steps. i could list random memories and tell tall tales of epic experiences, but this will come in time. today i am looking ahead to what will be my greatest years yet. i am hopeful and even confident that whatever it is on the other side of the unknown that i am currently living in will be the beginning of the rest of my life... and what it is i am to do with the rest of my life. an except from my last journal entry:
"i do no remember the last time i paused my life simply to breathe. every breath freezes my lungs; every sip of chai moves down my throat, defrosting my esophogus, leaving my entire body warmed from the inside out. i do not have much to say - i haven't said (or written) much in weeks. the only thing that comes to mind is that i am now 25 years old, single, jobless, w/o much money or an "education". yet somehow i am flying on the inside. don't ask me to explain it or write a "how-to" book on anything just yet, but somehow i have managed to get this far w/o much to show for myself (as far as the world is concerned) and still feel content and hopeful and free under the gracious heaven above. of course i am shaking shitless if i think about it all too much. but i think i would rather be standing and trembling in the state that i am in than sitting pretty in palaces made by my own two hands."
ten years from now, i will look back on the month of october 2009 and remember it as the month in which perspective and clarity downloaded into my mind. there are far too many reasons for me to be panicked or stressed or fearful. yet every route i take in my mind as i am analyzing my next moves have come to me with a great measure of peace. it's like my brain and my emotions have forgotten how to act and react impulsively. i guess what i am trying to say is that i have surprised myself. as of late, i think i've beaten myself up for living what i have thought to be an unsatisfactory life. when really what i have needed all along was a little time to be silent and think, a little room to breathe, a little help from my friends and a swift kick to the behind. i think i'm ready to grow up now. how it is i got to the point? i'm not entirely sure. i just remember waking up one morning and realizing that it is time - to be the person i have only dreamed of, to have confidence in who i am, to feel contentment even if i am still in en route to the destination set out for me, and to love and be loved wildly along the way.
greens
many nights i will make dinner for both myself and my best friend, caitie. we have always been busy people, but with this week being midterm week for her, yesterday i thought it would be nice to whip something up and bring it down to her school. the meal wasn't all that hard to put together, and i wanted to be more elaborate with it, but just ran out of time. i met her in the halls of her school, down in the bowels of the empire state building, and handed over the meal. carefully peeking into each container, she picked at the cucumbers and stuffed a slice into her mouth.
"wow, this is good," she said enthusiastically. her boyfriend, elijah, took a bite. "mir, what did you put in this? this tastes great."
my eyes squinted in wonder and my head tilted ever so slightly to the right, i wondered why they were so surprised at the taste of this cucumber. they wondered what flavors i had added to make it so delicious when the reality was that i added nothing to it at all. sliced up and placed in the container, the simple food remained free from anything that would take away from its natural taste. yet for whatever reason, their mouths were in awe of it.
as i thought about this particular scenario this morning, it occured to me. in this city - the great city of New York, we are surrounded by a plethora of cultures all containing foods with complex flavors and unique methods of cooking. the temptation is to indulge in many of these on a regular basis. with so many to choose from, eating well here in this city doesn't have to be boring, although it usually requires a decent amount of money. those who lack the resources to eat well usually are left to eat cheap - artificial flavors, preservatives, canned whatevers.
could it be that we have forgotten what it tastes and feels like to eat fresh things? i know for myself, i do not eat nearly as many fruits and vegetables to sustain me. and now that i am unemployed and budgeting very tightly, my awareness of what i am eating has increased tremendously. and believe it or not, i have managed to not only buy fresh, quality foods, but i've done so on about $20 a week. this is a miracle to do this here in New York. to this i say, thank you, fairway market, angel food ministries and trader joe's!
harsh realities
it has been exactly one month since my last day of work at the green machine (aka starbucks). all the things that i was hoping to accomplish - a consistency in writing music, consistency in blogging, more time invested into trinity grace, more time for deeper relationships within my MC and lifegroup, discovery of the direction that i would like to move toward. i have hardly scratched the surface. 30 days. it has been 30 days and already i am feeling both bored and bothered by the fact that i am going to be 25 years old and without a college degree or a job. sure, these things are minimalistic in the grandeur spectrum of existence, right? or so they say.
the truth is that i just don't have clarity in what it is exactly that i want. i sat across the table from ray east last week. if anyone has any idea about ray, he is like he yoda of spiritual living. ray is one of the most Christ-like men i have ever come across, and i have come across some really amazing men in my 24.75 years of existence. so ray and i are talking about what my next steps in life are going to be, and he asks me the question, "so what is it that you want to do?" simple enough, right? "what i want to do..." sadly, i couldn't answer him. for far too long i have operated from what i am "supposed to be doing" rather than what i want to be doing. i mean, really, who lives like that? ask anyone! the jobs most people currently work and the lives they currently lead do not fit their ideal lifestyle. this is just how the world works, isn't it?
"you do not have, because you do not ask. you ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. you adulterous people! do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?" james 4:2-4 (ESV)
the question now is what is it that i really want? and do i actually believe that the desires of my heart and my dreams can come true? it just seems too good to be true.
