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archive eight: glorious and meaningless

december 16, 2007

Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What advantage does man have
In all his work which he does under the sun?
All things are wearisome;
Man is not able to tell it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor is the ear filled with hearing.
That which has been is that which will be,
And that which has been done is that which will be done.
So there is nothing new under the sun.
I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun,
And behold, all is vanity and striving after wind.
What is crooked cannot be straightened
And what is lacking cannot be counted.
I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly;
I realized that this also is striving after the wind
Because in much wisdom there is much grief,
And increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

From the first chapter of King Solomon's book, Ecclesiastes

my will has been tested this week. it goes beyond the changes that are about to take place geographically and with work. everything is beautiful in the sense that i see God's hand operating in the very fibers of my life - giving me understanding about concerns in my mind, allowing me to feel indescribable and unexplainable peace in my heart, giving me energy and strength to live despite the mere 20 hours of sleep i have had all week. there is no room for regret or complaint with the way that my life has been thus far - i'm grateful.

and yet i cannot help but think that we fill our lives with things that are so meaningless - a chasing after the wind of sorts. work, eat, sleep, play, learn, party, drink, sleep, work, eat, play, myspace, eat, myspace some more - i feel stuck sometimes. like, my friends want to "hang out", go and do something fun, new, exciting. but i feel like it's just all the same - do the same things, go to the same places, stimulate the same endorphins, get the same temporary high. and then i stop getting calls to hang out...

i don't write these things to seek pity or to simply whine about how empty i sometimes feel. i am just saying that i feel that we all have been given this life for a greater purpose than to simply financially, socially, physically and emotionally SURVIVE. FORGET SIMPLY SURVIVING. i'm tired of worrying about money or what is going to happen to my future, or whether or not my life will be viewed as a success. damn success! i feel as though the person i want to be and the person that i am are at war with each other. i want to love without fear, i want to live my life completely abandoned and i want to give my time, energy and resources away freely. but i don't, cuz i'm selfish and lazy and tired. i am REALLY tired.

and so goes my existence. Lord, help me.

Currently reading :
unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity... and Why It Matters
By David Kinnaman
Release date: 01 October, 2007

posted by miriam @ 9:04 PM