have not love
"if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. and if i have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give away all i have, and if i deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, i gain nothing." I Corinthians 13:1-3 (ESV)
these words are so familiar both in our faith as well as in our culture. we refer to this chapter of scripture in weddings, funerals, valentine's day cards, love letters, in messages about volunteering at local and int'l NGO's, in messages about spiritual maturity. this passage is deeply embedded on the surface of our minds, yet more often than not, the essence of these words are found too far from our actions. i am definitely no stranger to this.
last night, i am in my bedroom, organizing all of my class notes and shopping online, spending hundreds of dollars on textbooks. there are papers everywhere, all over the desk and floor. my eyes were strained from re-writing all of the notes from my first week of classes. i am slouched over the computer, when my best friend comes in. something had happened at school earlier that day, leaving her hurt and emotionally unsettled. now, in most instances, i would be able to stop what i was doing to lend an ear and an embrace. instead, i hardly even looked up at her as she was talking. in my heart, i felt this sense of entitlement - i am in school, i am busy, i am not going to have time to do any of this the rest of the week, i have no time for nonsene. how ironic and even pathetic that i, a student in pursuit of a counseling degree, would hardly even give her BEST FRIEND the time of day in a moment of need. what's worse is that, when i did look up in attempts to give her what little counsel i knew to give, she looked at me and simply said, "i don't need you to fix the problem, i just want you to listen."
ouch.
"the wider the gap between what we believe and how we behave, the greater the discord in your life." -professor james long (my psychology prof)
i believe a lot of good stuff, biblical stuff. in fact, i can quote scripture and doctrine with the best of them. yet if i have not love, i am nothing. and in this life, i do not simply want to love, but to love greatly - the kind of love that Jesus describes in John 15:13, the kind of love that gives all. i must marry what i believe with how i behave, and if not, what good am i to my best friend, let alone the rest of the world?
Labels: humility, love, maturity
chaos and order
it's quiet in the commune and i finally hear my heart beating. i've forgotten how my thoughts sounded like. my days are densely occupied - school, my commitments at
TGC, the new roll i am taking in the spiritual mentorship program at
king's. not to mention the layers of my heart and mind that holy spirit has been pulling back since my visit to kansas city.
all of this change is extravagant, it's chaotic. there are moments when i am tempted to throw up my hands and retreat from everything that is vying for my attention. and yet for the first time in my 25 years of existence, i feel sober enough to balance each facet of my life, to keep things in order and steward these things rightly. i believe that this epiphany is also known as maturely growing into adulthood. quite frankly, i never thought that this day would come. with every uncertainty that i have battled as to who i am and what my purpose is, this realization has come in its due time. this weight of confidence that i am loved well and well taken care of, it's freeing. there is much truth to be learned in the words of jesus when he said, "do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?... but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (taken from john chapter 6)
so today i charge you - consider the birds of the air and the lillies of the fields. ponder their freedom, their beauty, their simplicity as well as their complexities. and allow the weight of confidence rest on your shoulders. know that your Father in heaven treasures you far above the birds and the lillies.
Labels: freedom, identity, maturity
torment
6/16/2006
i laid in my bed and could not keep still. my every muscle felt as if needles were piercing through my skin... my body shook from discomfort and pain. beads of sweat trickled down from my forehead to my pillow, the closest feeling to hell that i have ever imagined. no peace could be felt or even hoped for as i spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally felt tortured.
medication did nothing. gentle music did nothing. weeping did nothing. begging, pleading, pounding my fists for relief did nothing. my faith in God was still existant, but i wonder if He was anywhere near to me last night.
the morning came and the day has passed and my strength has faded and i feel exhausted. weight heavy on my shoulders is what i have lifted all day. and i wish there was some explanation for this torment - some hidden sin, some outrageous act of devotion to God which has caused the gates of hell to rise up against me. but i have done nothing beyond myself. if anything, i have been weak. and i am so tired. i wish i could find peace and rest today. i hardly feel my new mercies and grace.
will i sleep through the night? what will tomorrow bring? how will i afford to live when provision seems scarce? will i find peace or aid or salvation for today or tomorrow or this week?
please remember me...
-----
this entry was found in the archives of my external hard drive. notice the date; this was written when i was living in california, in between australia and new york city. the season in which this entry was written proved to be a very hard time for me. fortunately, the grace of God sustained me, and i survived.
Labels: intercession, remembrance, torment
Presence
Your body heat still in our bed
'Neath covers that were meant to hold
The wasted hours and subtle breaths
Of secrets that remain untold
These pillows carrying your scent
Your presence felt keeps me awake
The longings of my heart unsaid
This silence holds my subdued pain
Absent in body
Present with the Lord
The Lord is Your Shepherd
You shall not want anymore
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A song that I'm currently working on.
Labels: death, love, poetry
