torment
6/16/2006i laid in my bed and could not keep still. my every muscle felt as if needles were piercing through my skin... my body shook from discomfort and pain. beads of sweat trickled down from my forehead to my pillow, the closest feeling to hell that i have ever imagined. no peace could be felt or even hoped for as i spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally felt tortured.
medication did nothing. gentle music did nothing. weeping did nothing. begging, pleading, pounding my fists for relief did nothing. my faith in God was still existant, but i wonder if He was anywhere near to me last night.
the morning came and the day has passed and my strength has faded and i feel exhausted. weight heavy on my shoulders is what i have lifted all day. and i wish there was some explanation for this torment - some hidden sin, some outrageous act of devotion to God which has caused the gates of hell to rise up against me. but i have done nothing beyond myself. if anything, i have been weak. and i am so tired. i wish i could find peace and rest today. i hardly feel my new mercies and grace.
will i sleep through the night? what will tomorrow bring? how will i afford to live when provision seems scarce? will i find peace or aid or salvation for today or tomorrow or this week?
please remember me...
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this entry was found in the archives of my external hard drive. notice the date; this was written when i was living in california, in between australia and new york city. the season in which this entry was written proved to be a very hard time for me. fortunately, the grace of God sustained me, and i survived.
Labels: intercession, remembrance, torment
3 Comments:
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I want not agree on it. I think nice post. Expressly the title attracted me to be familiar with the intact story.
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