when i grow up
five years to thirty. five years to thirty. i have FIVE YEARS to THIRTY YEARS."sobering" is the first word that comes to mind as i ponder this thought. it has been a little over one week since i celebrated my 25th year of life. and what a life i have led thus far! i look upon the expanse that is my life, and i cannot help but smile. so much richness has happened, and SO many good stories of God's grace, His provision and the tangible ways He has directed my steps. i could list random memories and tell tall tales of epic experiences, but this will come in time. today i am looking ahead to what will be my greatest years yet. i am hopeful and even confident that whatever it is on the other side of the unknown that i am currently living in will be the beginning of the rest of my life... and what it is i am to do with the rest of my life. an except from my last journal entry:
"i do no remember the last time i paused my life simply to breathe. every breath freezes my lungs; every sip of chai moves down my throat, defrosting my esophogus, leaving my entire body warmed from the inside out. i do not have much to say - i haven't said (or written) much in weeks. the only thing that comes to mind is that i am now 25 years old, single, jobless, w/o much money or an "education". yet somehow i am flying on the inside. don't ask me to explain it or write a "how-to" book on anything just yet, but somehow i have managed to get this far w/o much to show for myself (as far as the world is concerned) and still feel content and hopeful and free under the gracious heaven above. of course i am shaking shitless if i think about it all too much. but i think i would rather be standing and trembling in the state that i am in than sitting pretty in palaces made by my own two hands."
ten years from now, i will look back on the month of october 2009 and remember it as the month in which perspective and clarity downloaded into my mind. there are far too many reasons for me to be panicked or stressed or fearful. yet every route i take in my mind as i am analyzing my next moves have come to me with a great measure of peace. it's like my brain and my emotions have forgotten how to act and react impulsively. i guess what i am trying to say is that i have surprised myself. as of late, i think i've beaten myself up for living what i have thought to be an unsatisfactory life. when really what i have needed all along was a little time to be silent and think, a little room to breathe, a little help from my friends and a swift kick to the behind. i think i'm ready to grow up now. how it is i got to the point? i'm not entirely sure. i just remember waking up one morning and realizing that it is time - to be the person i have only dreamed of, to have confidence in who i am, to feel contentment even if i am still in en route to the destination set out for me, and to love and be loved wildly along the way.
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