J train observations : my Beloved
a note i jotted down while riding the train to work at 6:48am on 8/28/08:
"sitting close, with his left arm across her shoulders and his right arm around her waist, his strength surrounded her. with this love, displaying both power and gentleness, she can do anything. her stop approaches and a kiss seals their love. we stop, she steps off the train, and as we ride away, his eyes are fixed on her until she disappears into the distance. his eyes study her figure as she walked down the platform, and the slightest smile lit up his face along with the everlasting confidence that she is his."
it was thursday evening, i turned in at about 9:45ish, which is earlier than usual for me since i rarely find myself in bed before 11pm. despite my exhaustion and the signs of a slight cold coming over me, i could not fall asleep. it was the night before my 7 month anniversary living here in the city, so i began to reflect on what i have experienced, who i have connected with and what God has been doing in my heart. there has been so much good that has taken place these last 7 months, i can hardly go through every detail without remembering more to add onto the list. and yet as i laid there with my thoughts and my emotions being stirred, i began to feel a sense of grief. despite all the greatness that i've already seen, there is still so much more that i want, still so many places where i feel unsatisfied. so following the pattern of my discontent heart and my fallen nature, my time of gratitude soon turned into a time of questioning, begging and even a bit of complaining.
with everything in me, i believe that there are times when you have to approach God with everything on the line, emotions and every part of your soul laid out bare. sure, there are moments of beauty and joy when you spend time with God in prayer and reflection. but as important as those times are, the times of anger and grief are just as crucial in this life of faith that we lead. there was a time in my life when i did not believe this, but just the opposite. i would very rarely let my moments of hurt or darkness show to any person, including God (which is pretty ridiculous since He's already aware of my details). somehow subconsciously in the history of my knowledge of God and christianity, i believed that it was weakness to show signs of struggle or brokenness. what a misconstrued view of the gospel, but i am sure it is more common in the minds of self-professed christians than we would like to admit. for the most part, this is no longer the case, since i LOVE nakedness now (thanks to YWAM, shirley brownhill and stephanie ann dececco goodin). and that is definitely the place i was lying in bed on thursday night.
so i laid there in my bed, conversing with God, and the whole thing started out great, but soon became a stream of rambling and nonsense. the conversation began to head farther south the more i complained, and it really took a turn for the worst once the words "loneliness" and "fear" came into play. i've always had this tendency to cling to people. it's been this pattern that i've grown to despise but still can't seem to fully shake, in which i would not only become submerged in my connection with a person and/or a group of people, but i would use these connections (at least temporarily) in attempts to appease my cravings for belonging and identity. the reality is that, as marvelous as they are and as much as they cause me to feel loved and worth-while, people still fall short of once and for all fulfilling the void that i'm left with time and time again.
"why do i feel so homesick tonight, Lord?" i asked, with tears streaming uncontrollably. and in His kind nature, He simply whispered, "it's not a place or a person that you crave tonight, miriam, it's Me. you think you want something or someone familiar to connect with in this very moment, but what you really need is what no one else can give you."
how do you respond to something that you've already known? especially words that you've constantly heard over the course of your life. my initial reaction is to feel guilty for giving my affections away so futilely; it's a lesson i've been taught and have yet to learn. the temptation to feel angry at myself and/or feel unworthy of grace tries and comes in. and yet He still chooses to silence them all - the lies of unworthiness, the sense of anger or guilt, the darkness attempting to further plunge me into grief and fear. in bed that night, it was as if God Himself walked into the room and with His commanding voice shouted, "enough is enough! No one else will define you."
to quote my beautiful friend, caitie hlushak's favorite bible verse, isaiah 62:4 states, "you shall no more be termed forsaken, and your land shall no longer be termed desolate, but you shall be called
hephzibah (which is literally translated "
My delight is in her")" (ESV).
and as i began to fall asleep, Holy Spirit began to remind me of words that He's always spoken over me: "you are my beloved, you are my desire, you are my love. you are worthy of my life, of my affection, of my time, of my blessing. you are meant to live for eternity and not for mortality. you crave more love because you will never be satisfied until we are together, and we will be together soon. live well, love others well, but remember that you are mine." something so simple as His hand over mine or His voice whispered into my ear really does make my heart leap and long for more. is it any wonder why romance, love and marriage causes us to feel alive? the look on that man's face as he watched his wife walk down the subway platform, the smirk on his face and the light in his eyes - even in the slightest sense, the connection between this man and this woman spilled over into my own heart, as i am learning that i was meant to live in this same love and desire, that this same love and desire is
CONSTANTLY felt for me.
true devotion
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a tragic misconnect
i tried to avoid the question, but you pushed it anyway. i did my best to explain, yet you have managed to take the words i speak and twist them for your pleasure. another thing i hold very close to my heart has been misunderstood by your lack of understanding and lack of desire to understand. why do i even bother? there go the pearls being thrown to the swine once again.
J train observations : restoring the innocence
riding the train as a resident of new york city is inevitable. unless you are apart of the 25% of manhattan residents that actually own a car, you ride public transportation. living in brooklyn and working in manhattan constitutes that i partially live in the subway, paying a mere $81 a month to go wherever it is i need to go. (eat your heart out california drivers who are paying the disgusting $4 a gallon in gasoline.) most days i am incoherant, slipping in and out of consciousness, hoping not to miss my stop. but in the rare occassion that i had a decent night's sleep the night before, one of my favorite activities here in new york is people-watching, and there is no better place to do this than on the train.
after spending a couple days in midtown (thanks to my gracious and loving friend, caitie) and not having to deal with the sometimes painful commute, i mustered up enough motivation to leave the island and return to bushwick (which we semi-affectionately refer to as "the hood"). it was a packed J train home, standing room only. i stepped in with my bags clenched, bug-eye sunglasses on and music in my ears, droning out the chatter of highschool kids' drama and the torturous cries of babies strapped into strollers. i don't mind standing when riding the train; it puts me in a good position to inconspicuosly observe people.
twenty minutes into my ride home, i feel this pulling at my bag. i glace down and two dark brown, buggy eyes stared back at me. a little girl had found the post that i was holding on to and decided it was hers - she twirled around it, embraced it and flung her head back in delight, she clenched it and shook it as if to try and disassemble it from the floor and ceiling. as much as she was annoying, there was something so cute about her as well. i smiled and she smirked back at me, not sure if it was ok to smile back since, after all, i was a stranger. but after our exchange, she simply went back to dancing and jumping and skipping around her post. when out of no where, a hand came swinging, connecting to the back of her head. i looked up and it was her mother: "keep still!" the little girl looked at me, looked at her mother, then back at me. her stillness lasted for about 90 seconds, but just as inevitable for me to be on the subway in the first place, this little girl had to dance and could not stop. again, her mother tried to get her to stop: "stand still", "stop moving", "behave yourself", "you're not listening", "you're being bad". this woman might as well have been speaking a foreign language because no words could get through to the little girl. finally, the little girl looked at her mother and in the most pure and innocent way, simply said "i love you, mommy." and in that moment i looked up at her mother and it was as if she was transformed; her countenance went from anger to sheer delight.
it was after a few stops that i noticed the two were no longer standing next to me. i turned around and there was the little girl, sitting on her mother's lap, completely melted like butter in her mother's arms, so still and silent. the look on her face was so peaceful, as her mother played with her hair and ran her fingernails over the surface of her arms. in a way, i was jealous of the little girl - to be so loved and cared for in that moment. with every stroke of that mother's hand, i would feel chills up my spine, as if i were the one lying in this woman's arms. i longed for my own mother's embrace, the way she would kiss my forehead and the way i would rest my head on her lap as she scratched my back like only she could ever do.
this picture also reminded me of the way that our Father in heaven cares over us. in one instance, He commands our attention as we run around rampant and in the same moment is so quick to show us a flood of affection. i am so sick of just how much love i require to feel satisfied - i am at constant battle with the attention-whore that i so easily become when i am feeling insecure or unsettled in myself. so i do the runaround and kick and scream and dance to try and get whoever i can to look my way - to tell me how amazing i am, or how loving i am, or even how selfless i am. and yes, i know that i am these things, but do i really need other people to point them out in order to be confident in and of myself? unfortunately, sometimes the answer to that question is yes. and with all of His power and gentleness, the Father's booming voice grabs my attention: "stand still". i feel His presence, i look up at Him, our eyes meet, i realize that i love Him and in the same instance, He affirms His love for me. then into His arms i rest again.
the older i get, the more fascinated i become with the beautiful nature of a child. and in many ways i covet the fact that their trust and their love is so untainted that when they are faced with discipline, there is hardly any question as to whether or not it comes from a place of love, concern and good motive. of course, in this fallen world we have fallen parents who, at times, abuse and even despise their children. but in the character of a true parent, anger or frustration or discipline is always covered over with love and affection. this is in the very core of a true parent, and it is a reflection of the Father we all have in God Himself. is it any wonder why the kingdom of darkness would want to obliterate the way our society views the role of a father to the children? but God is restoring mothers to daughters and fathers to sons - throughout the nations, but really, beginning here in our own hearts. this is the heart of His kingdom - to create people that are whole.
so today, i emplore you to seek out the Fatherly hand of God, to listen to His voice as He gives us His correction as well as His affection. and i pray that above all that we are guilt-ridden over, that His love would restore the innocence that we are meant to live freely in today and for all of eternity.
