safe haven

J train observations : my Beloved

a note i jotted down while riding the train to work at 6:48am on 8/28/08:
"sitting close, with his left arm across her shoulders and his right arm around her waist, his strength surrounded her. with this love, displaying both power and gentleness, she can do anything. her stop approaches and a kiss seals their love. we stop, she steps off the train, and as we ride away, his eyes are fixed on her until she disappears into the distance. his eyes study her figure as she walked down the platform, and the slightest smile lit up his face along with the everlasting confidence that she is his."

it was thursday evening, i turned in at about 9:45ish, which is earlier than usual for me since i rarely find myself in bed before 11pm. despite my exhaustion and the signs of a slight cold coming over me, i could not fall asleep. it was the night before my 7 month anniversary living here in the city, so i began to reflect on what i have experienced, who i have connected with and what God has been doing in my heart. there has been so much good that has taken place these last 7 months, i can hardly go through every detail without remembering more to add onto the list. and yet as i laid there with my thoughts and my emotions being stirred, i began to feel a sense of grief. despite all the greatness that i've already seen, there is still so much more that i want, still so many places where i feel unsatisfied. so following the pattern of my discontent heart and my fallen nature, my time of gratitude soon turned into a time of questioning, begging and even a bit of complaining.

with everything in me, i believe that there are times when you have to approach God with everything on the line, emotions and every part of your soul laid out bare. sure, there are moments of beauty and joy when you spend time with God in prayer and reflection. but as important as those times are, the times of anger and grief are just as crucial in this life of faith that we lead. there was a time in my life when i did not believe this, but just the opposite. i would very rarely let my moments of hurt or darkness show to any person, including God (which is pretty ridiculous since He's already aware of my details). somehow subconsciously in the history of my knowledge of God and christianity, i believed that it was weakness to show signs of struggle or brokenness. what a misconstrued view of the gospel, but i am sure it is more common in the minds of self-professed christians than we would like to admit. for the most part, this is no longer the case, since i LOVE nakedness now (thanks to YWAM, shirley brownhill and stephanie ann dececco goodin). and that is definitely the place i was lying in bed on thursday night.

so i laid there in my bed, conversing with God, and the whole thing started out great, but soon became a stream of rambling and nonsense. the conversation began to head farther south the more i complained, and it really took a turn for the worst once the words "loneliness" and "fear" came into play. i've always had this tendency to cling to people. it's been this pattern that i've grown to despise but still can't seem to fully shake, in which i would not only become submerged in my connection with a person and/or a group of people, but i would use these connections (at least temporarily) in attempts to appease my cravings for belonging and identity. the reality is that, as marvelous as they are and as much as they cause me to feel loved and worth-while, people still fall short of once and for all fulfilling the void that i'm left with time and time again.

"why do i feel so homesick tonight, Lord?" i asked, with tears streaming uncontrollably. and in His kind nature, He simply whispered, "it's not a place or a person that you crave tonight, miriam, it's Me. you think you want something or someone familiar to connect with in this very moment, but what you really need is what no one else can give you."

how do you respond to something that you've already known? especially words that you've constantly heard over the course of your life. my initial reaction is to feel guilty for giving my affections away so futilely; it's a lesson i've been taught and have yet to learn. the temptation to feel angry at myself and/or feel unworthy of grace tries and comes in. and yet He still chooses to silence them all - the lies of unworthiness, the sense of anger or guilt, the darkness attempting to further plunge me into grief and fear. in bed that night, it was as if God Himself walked into the room and with His commanding voice shouted, "enough is enough! No one else will define you."

to quote my beautiful friend, caitie hlushak's favorite bible verse, isaiah 62:4 states, "you shall no more be termed forsaken, and your land shall no longer be termed desolate, but you shall be called hephzibah (which is literally translated "My delight is in her")" (ESV).

and as i began to fall asleep, Holy Spirit began to remind me of words that He's always spoken over me: "you are my beloved, you are my desire, you are my love. you are worthy of my life, of my affection, of my time, of my blessing. you are meant to live for eternity and not for mortality. you crave more love because you will never be satisfied until we are together, and we will be together soon. live well, love others well, but remember that you are mine." something so simple as His hand over mine or His voice whispered into my ear really does make my heart leap and long for more. is it any wonder why romance, love and marriage causes us to feel alive? the look on that man's face as he watched his wife walk down the subway platform, the smirk on his face and the light in his eyes - even in the slightest sense, the connection between this man and this woman spilled over into my own heart, as i am learning that i was meant to live in this same love and desire, that this same love and desire is CONSTANTLY felt for me.

posted by miriam @ 2:40 PM