J train observations : restoring the innocence
riding the train as a resident of new york city is inevitable. unless you are apart of the 25% of manhattan residents that actually own a car, you ride public transportation. living in brooklyn and working in manhattan constitutes that i partially live in the subway, paying a mere $81 a month to go wherever it is i need to go. (eat your heart out california drivers who are paying the disgusting $4 a gallon in gasoline.) most days i am incoherant, slipping in and out of consciousness, hoping not to miss my stop. but in the rare occassion that i had a decent night's sleep the night before, one of my favorite activities here in new york is people-watching, and there is no better place to do this than on the train.after spending a couple days in midtown (thanks to my gracious and loving friend, caitie) and not having to deal with the sometimes painful commute, i mustered up enough motivation to leave the island and return to bushwick (which we semi-affectionately refer to as "the hood"). it was a packed J train home, standing room only. i stepped in with my bags clenched, bug-eye sunglasses on and music in my ears, droning out the chatter of highschool kids' drama and the torturous cries of babies strapped into strollers. i don't mind standing when riding the train; it puts me in a good position to inconspicuosly observe people.
twenty minutes into my ride home, i feel this pulling at my bag. i glace down and two dark brown, buggy eyes stared back at me. a little girl had found the post that i was holding on to and decided it was hers - she twirled around it, embraced it and flung her head back in delight, she clenched it and shook it as if to try and disassemble it from the floor and ceiling. as much as she was annoying, there was something so cute about her as well. i smiled and she smirked back at me, not sure if it was ok to smile back since, after all, i was a stranger. but after our exchange, she simply went back to dancing and jumping and skipping around her post. when out of no where, a hand came swinging, connecting to the back of her head. i looked up and it was her mother: "keep still!" the little girl looked at me, looked at her mother, then back at me. her stillness lasted for about 90 seconds, but just as inevitable for me to be on the subway in the first place, this little girl had to dance and could not stop. again, her mother tried to get her to stop: "stand still", "stop moving", "behave yourself", "you're not listening", "you're being bad". this woman might as well have been speaking a foreign language because no words could get through to the little girl. finally, the little girl looked at her mother and in the most pure and innocent way, simply said "i love you, mommy." and in that moment i looked up at her mother and it was as if she was transformed; her countenance went from anger to sheer delight.
it was after a few stops that i noticed the two were no longer standing next to me. i turned around and there was the little girl, sitting on her mother's lap, completely melted like butter in her mother's arms, so still and silent. the look on her face was so peaceful, as her mother played with her hair and ran her fingernails over the surface of her arms. in a way, i was jealous of the little girl - to be so loved and cared for in that moment. with every stroke of that mother's hand, i would feel chills up my spine, as if i were the one lying in this woman's arms. i longed for my own mother's embrace, the way she would kiss my forehead and the way i would rest my head on her lap as she scratched my back like only she could ever do.
this picture also reminded me of the way that our Father in heaven cares over us. in one instance, He commands our attention as we run around rampant and in the same moment is so quick to show us a flood of affection. i am so sick of just how much love i require to feel satisfied - i am at constant battle with the attention-whore that i so easily become when i am feeling insecure or unsettled in myself. so i do the runaround and kick and scream and dance to try and get whoever i can to look my way - to tell me how amazing i am, or how loving i am, or even how selfless i am. and yes, i know that i am these things, but do i really need other people to point them out in order to be confident in and of myself? unfortunately, sometimes the answer to that question is yes. and with all of His power and gentleness, the Father's booming voice grabs my attention: "stand still". i feel His presence, i look up at Him, our eyes meet, i realize that i love Him and in the same instance, He affirms His love for me. then into His arms i rest again.
the older i get, the more fascinated i become with the beautiful nature of a child. and in many ways i covet the fact that their trust and their love is so untainted that when they are faced with discipline, there is hardly any question as to whether or not it comes from a place of love, concern and good motive. of course, in this fallen world we have fallen parents who, at times, abuse and even despise their children. but in the character of a true parent, anger or frustration or discipline is always covered over with love and affection. this is in the very core of a true parent, and it is a reflection of the Father we all have in God Himself. is it any wonder why the kingdom of darkness would want to obliterate the way our society views the role of a father to the children? but God is restoring mothers to daughters and fathers to sons - throughout the nations, but really, beginning here in our own hearts. this is the heart of His kingdom - to create people that are whole.
so today, i emplore you to seek out the Fatherly hand of God, to listen to His voice as He gives us His correction as well as His affection. and i pray that above all that we are guilt-ridden over, that His love would restore the innocence that we are meant to live freely in today and for all of eternity.
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