Liquid Poison
a diary entry from thanksgiving:
Nov. 28, 2010 9:08PM
What is this mess I feel trickling down from my mind, through my heart, to my fingertips. It leaves thinly painted trail marks on my arm; my hands shake. It is the weight, the sticky fluid dripping down each strand of hair into my eyes. The liquid poison is every lie binding sight and emotion and thought.
Labels: poetry, poison, weight
neuro-overload
it has been a long two days - 3 midterms, 4 papers & a presentation on the phylum kingdom (look it up, it's ridiculous). it was first exam season for me in five years, and every moment of it has been hard work. my brain has been flexed these last few days. i feel the weight of all this info just slightly above my head, pressing down ever so slightly, just waiting for the moment i squeeze it out onto the blue scan sheet. filling out these little bubbles has been so foreign to me. luckily i didn't forget a number 2 pencil!
fortunately, nothing that i've been studying has been discouraging. my former tendency was to quit before things got too hard (that's what she said... sorry, i had to). it helps that i'm older now, ready to work hard. it also helps that i don't have anyone but myself to pay for all of this - from tuition to the lead in my mechanical pencils, it's all me. money can be quite the motivator!
fresh out of high school, i wasn't willing to make the sacrifices - time, money, effort - to do well in college. the only reason i went was because it was expected of me. it is a shame that so many people spend their resources in school and come out clueless as to what they want to do with that very expensive piece of paper. i've learned so much about myself these last five years, so much has changed. it hasn't always been easy, but God has always been faithful. i walk with strength in my legs, gratitude in my heart, and confidence to hold my head up - nothing i come across seems too hard to bear. it's not going to be a cake walk, but i'm ok with that. everything worth fighting for has always come with a struggle. and in the end, no regrets and great contentment.
Labels: intellect, knowledge, school, weight
weight
there is this unidentified weight resting slightly on my chest, the type of weight that is mysterious. this weight creeps in unsuspectingly, but is not always dark. it invokes silence and contemplation; it tills the ground of my mind. there is a beautiful longing in which words cannot express. it is this weight that seems to be present in the moments of my silence. in these moments, my heart is crying out for a home i have not seen and a Lover i have yet to hold. i embrace this cry, and i will be found wanting on the day of His return.
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kabad is the hebrew root for the word "glory" in the old testament. it's literal translation is " to be
heavy, be
weighty, be grievous, be hard, be rich, be honourable, be glorious, be burdensome, be honoured."
Labels: contemplation, longing, silence, weight
