safe haven

wanderlust

Main Entry: wan·der·lust
Pronunciation: \ˈwän-dər-ˌləst\
Function: noun
Etymology: German, from wandern to wander + Lust desire, pleasure
Date: 1875
: strong longing for or impulse toward wandering

until just recently, i had forgotten how it is to feel adventure in my soul. there has been something missing there, in the center of my being. i thought the emptiness had to do with my former life of coffee pushing and working for "the man". yet nine months relieved of that line of work, and a grim void still present in me down deep below the person everyone sees on the surface.

i have begun rethinking my life and the things that i hold dear. most days are spent performing meager tasks, most evenings spent at home. granted, this year began with me embarking on one of the most grandeur, costly, and lucrative journeys i will ever travel -- the brave return into an undergraduate program (after a 5+ year "break"). even still, a full schedule does not necessarily mean a full life. my mind may be full of movement, yet my heart has felt more comatose than i have ever remembered. and why is this?

the passage from the book of revelation comes to mind, the scene in which Jesus Himself is speaking to the church in ephesus:

I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen!

in my relationship with the person of Jesus Christ, there is no turning back. i have received too much grace, experienced too much provision, been pardoned of too much offense to ever doubt the existence, the character, the power and the authority of this Man. and yet time and again, i tow the line between abiding in His chambers and living in the servants quarters. i devalue what i hold dearly and i forsake my first love. this betrayal goes far beyond mere spiritual practice and moral belief; i forsake my first love when i fail to live as my convictions profess -- with beauty, celebration, abundance, adventure, pleasure, intention, contentment, intimacy, freedom. when these are lacking in my daily rhythm, i do not feel alive.

living these out will look different from one person to the next. for me, it means being present wherever i am at. i spent the last two days being outdoors, playing and wandering and sweating and breathing in fresh air. it was the most fun i have had in a very long time. the week prior to that, caitie and i found ourselves in various places in the city, eating indulgent foods, watching all kinds of people, exploring unknown streets and avenues, sitting on the steps of st. paul's and going through "where's waldo goes to hollywood" together. everything we did was simple, beautiful and full of life. music is a must in my well-being, live music preferably. jazz, folk, bluegrass, rock - all of it is heroine pumped into my arteries. and boy, have i been pushing needles today.

i must say that these things are not the end goal; the end is not a list of experiences i can journal about and remember always. what lies at the end of living a present and centered life is a depth of fullness scripture says are found in the hands of God: "in your presence there is fullness... ." this fullness causes even the smallest amounts of delight to be kissed with the glory of heaven - whether taking a bite of good food or swimming naked in a lake with your closest friends. our Father in heaven desires to give good gifts to His children and He is willing to do so if we are willing to step out in faith and live and run and dance and shout and sing in the life that He has given us.

Jesus spoke so highly of "abundant life" and "living water" that i am believing more and more than these were not just metaphor, but that abundance is attainable for every spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical hunger and thirst that we could possibly have. i assure you that i have great hunger and thirst, and Jesus Himself is filling these through even the most simplest pleasures.

prone to wander, Lord, i feel it.
prone to leave the God i love.
here's my heart, Lord,
take and seal it...

Labels: longing, love, wandering

posted by miriam @ 10:06 PM