against the grain
"you need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak." from "against the grain" by city and colouri could be surrounded, in a room full of people, and still feel so far from connection. as much as this family of believers, this church, has met my longing for relationships and community, there is still this underlying sense of loneliness. so my tendency is to surround myself with even more people and events and things. i've done this time and time again. yet it still is not enough. why am i never satisfied?
"if you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you." John 15:7 (NKJV)
for several weeks i've been dealing with this kind of heaviness, you know the feeling of "blah" that i cannot seem to get rid of. i explained to my friend, ray, that it feels as though a "healthy" toddler chose to sit right on my chest and has yet to get up. there are all these questions in my mind as to whether i'm doing something wrong or not doing something i am supposed to, as if there is one set formula for peace and a clear mind. we all know very well that there isn't, but why then does the intent and motives of my heart speak otherwise? what am i trying to earn here by trying to save face and have it all figured out?
i'm doing too much. ABIDE - this is the word, the reoccuring theme of the evening and for the rest of my life, really. i've been here before; it's the same trip around the mountain that i've taken these 40 years of wandering the desert. what makes it more difficult is that i've seen the streams of living water and the green pastures that the psalmist describes. i've been there, it's the only place to live. but i am not there now, and my heart is left wanting.
the definition of "abide":
transitive verb - 1: to wait for : await, 2 a: to endure without yielding : withstand b: to bear patiently : tolerate, 3: to accept without objection
intransitive verb - 1: to remain stable or fixed in a state, 2: to continue in a place : sojourn
my roommate, jaci, told me that she's been having one of those "what am i going to do with my life" sorta days today. in my head, i was thinking, "that sounds just like what i'm going through." all these thoughts came to mind - how is there really a difference between me and her? if i'm going through the same thing she is, why would she want to come to me for advice? is there any hope for someone i know to make the change from no belief in God to desiring communion with Him if they look at all of my uncertainties? jaci also mentioned that it always seems as though i have things figured out, which is quite funny to me.
i have come to the conclusion that the difference between someone like jaci and myself has little to do with me and so much more to do with Jesus. maybe this heaviness has to do with the fact that i still live under the law of gravity, that i have yet to transcend beyond my own human boundaries. which sucks because this humanity of mine is so confining. but i do not have to stay in that place by any means. that is the difference, that is why i can still seem to have things together - not because of my own strength, but because Jesus makes the claim that i can experience transcendent life amidst this worldly prison. and i trust His word, so i will do what He says and i'll stick with Him.
often times i've heard, "well, i just don't have enough faith to believe in God, let alone that He would care about my insignificant problems." to believe in God is to trust Him, yes. but for my own peace of mind, being such the woman of faith that i am, i have to constantly look back at the good that has already happened to remind me of the reason WHY i can trust Jesus Christ and the claims He makes in Scripture - new life, health, provision, unexplainable joy, peace that transcends understanding, confidence and security in the fact that i am free to be who i am because i was designed in the image of the Maker.
"i have been young and now i am old, yet i have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." psalm 37:25 (NASB)
1 Comments:
"ABIDE - this is the word, the reoccuring theme of the evening and for the rest of my life, really. i've been here before; it's the same trip around the mountain that i've taken these 40 years of wandering the desert. what makes it more difficult is that i've seen the streams of living water and the green pastures that the psalmist describes. i've been there, it's the only place to live. but i am not there now, and my heart is left wanting."
I know this is not exactly what you are experiencing here but your statement reminded me of an Oswald chambers quote. Recently, a friend who is studying in Germany sent me an email asking if I could help her grasp Chamber's intention in the following statement. This was part of my reply.
“Can I face things as they actually are in the light of the reality of Jesus Christ, or do things as they really are destroy my faith in Him, and put me into a panic?” - Oswald Chambers
It is easy to have all the faith in the world (or at least feel like it) when you are hanging out with Jesus—when He is at the head of the crowd and you are just trailing merrily behind. It is easy to have confidence in who God is when His presence is heavy around you—when you are on Mount Sanai and His voice is thundering about as He spells out His will on stone tablets. Who couldn’t believe in those moments? But, when you find yourself in valley moments—when Jesus is no longer in physical sight, when the voice of God seems muted and His directives/intentions unclear— the spiritually immature will look to return to the mountain. They will despise the valley and see it as the enemy when, if fact, it is the place of deepest, truest knowing. Not only is it in the valley that our faith is tested, it is in the valley that we have the opportunity to know God as Faithful and True (the name given to Him in Revelation) companion. His glory shines brightly on the mountain top. His nature—His person is demonstrated in the valley. Instead of responding to difficult challenges with a desperate, mad scramble, seeking escape to higher ground in God, we should seek desperately that the Holy Spirit should open our eyes, ears and heart that we might not miss the knowing that can only happen there. We should be honored that God would trust our faith enough to take us deeper (not higher).
As I read Chambers’ writing, I couldn’t help but think of Deb Hodson. [This is a mutual friend who recently died from a 4 year, off and on, battle with cancer} She did not `despise her cancer. She once told me that she felt the first diagnosis (the first round) was for her; to get to know God more intimately, more truly than she ever had before. She said that the second diagnosis was for her family. It was a valley in which she fully expected (and saw) that her husband and children would step into deeper faith and trust in God. And you know what? She was exactly right. It is the beauty of how God works. He draws the greatest out of the smallest. He brings the clearest understanding in the times of greatest confusion. The most amazing miracles take place when present reality says all is lost. “Can I face things as they actually are,” small, confusing, hard, scary, lost, etc., “in the light of the reality of Jesus Christ, or do things as they really are destroy my faith in Him, and put me into a panic?’ The answer lies in our willingness and dedication to knowing Him in these valley places instead of “heading for the hills” of faith (so to speak.)
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